Parody

uncyclopedia rocks.. well, some of the articles in it..

heres one i like..


Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies was added to the "Dummies" series in 2002 in light of a sudden demand for cheaper heart surgery. The do-it-yourself method was popularised by this book, written by Gerald Carter, a freelance writer with no medical experience whatsoever, although he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

1 Excerpts
2 Criticism
3 Arguments in favor
4 Popularity
5 Aftermath
6 See Also

Excerpts
Here are a few excerpts from the popular book:

From the introduction:
Are you tired of having your loved ones' heart surgery being performed by those pesky experienced surgeons? Who isn't? In this book, we show you how to fix heart valves, repair arteries, and patch up holes- on the cheap!

From Chapter 1 - Preparing:
"Be prepared! That is what heart surgeons would say if they were also Boy Scouts. This rings true in the field of on-your-own heart surgery as well. Always make sure to wash your hands before surgery, and be sure you have all the proper tools: scalpel, thread, duct tape, and kitchen knife.

From Chapter 1.5 - Anaesthesia:
It may be interesting for the patient if he or she remains conscious during the exercise, but most surgeons choose to apply some form of anaesthesia, because they do not like it when the patient criticizes their work. One of the most common methods is to hit the patient very hard on the head with a hammer. Where to hit, how often to hit, it is all covered in this chapter. Alternatives are also covered, involving gagging and tying up the victim patient. When gagging be sure to gag the patient tight enough so that any scream or sound is muffled.

From Chapter 2 - The Heart:
The heart can be sometimes difficult to find, especially if you are operating on mean people. The heart is the red throbby thing right inside the ribcage. Start up, and scan down the body. If you see a long coiling thingy that appears to be digesting things, you've gone too far.

From Chapter 3 - Materials:
Don't have everything you need? Improvise! The ribcage can be opened with a simple tire jack. Most brands of tape can hold together holes. Need a place to put the heart when you're taking a break? The icebox is a great resting spot! Just make sure you don't confuse it with the steaks!

From Chapter 4 - Surgery:
You've made it! Time to shine. Find somebody you know with a heart defect. (Be sure that they're comfortable with the fact that it's very likely that you'll screw up if it's one of your first few dozen 'trial' runs.) The most important thing is to remain calm. The only thing that panicking does is make you realize that it's incredibly stupid to perform heart surgery yourself. Clearly, that is not very productive when you are going to perform it anyway, and may badly influence the outcome of the operation.

From Chapter 5 - Prenatal Heart Surgery:
Many unborn children suffer from heart problems, often stemming from inbreeding or the prenatal kidney surgery you performed on them last week. This chapter will prepare you to deal with delicate immature bones and undeveloped tissues without confusing the hearts of mother and child. Special bonus section: Twins!

From Chapter 10 - Dealing with Fatalities:
Every surgeon has one that, well, doesn't make it. Every completely inexperienced neanderthal has about five a week. You'll need to learn how to cope. Be sure to have a malpractice lawyer on hand. (Can't find one? Just buy Malpractice Defence for Dummies at your local bookstore!)

Criticism:
The book received a heavy amount of negative criticism from the press. A reviewer from the New York Times described it as "the story of horribly poor judgement told from the perspective of a blathering idiot... the pariah of our time." It was later noted that this was supposed to be for the review of Paris Hilton's autobiography. Harold Edwards of the Tucson Register complained, "this book killed my wife! This man needs to be sued!" Carter responded by saying "For more information, please purchase Dealing With Accidentally Killing Your Wife Via Botched Surgery for Dummies."

Arguments in favor
-Various arguments in favor of using the book have been mentioned in the technical literature. A selection of these:

1)People teach themselves Rocket Science, swimming, car racing etc. from books, so why not Open-Heart Surgery?

2)Many surgeons who hold degrees in medical science have passed their exams with some F's, many C's and D's, and perhaps even no A or B grades at all! People learning the contents of this book well, may do better than them.

3)Often, laymen are far more careful than experienced, boasting, "know it all, been there, done that" surgeons.

4)The worst that can happen is, that the patient dies. We all do, sooner or later, and it happens to qualified surgeons, too, that some of their patients die during surgery.

5)In many countries there are long waiting lists for Open-Heart Surgery in clinics. Be smart, do it at home!

6)Use of the book is money-saving. The patient can go on holiday with this money that is saved, which is good for the heart and may result in a speedy recovery!

7)People who do not like reading or who are even illiterate can still use the book as the pictures are self-explanatory and give complete information.

8)There is a braille version of the book, so the blind can use it, too!
...
Popularity
Despite being a critical failure, the book was wildly popular and remained on the Amazon.com Bestseller list for two years. It was later determined that a glitch in the website's code caused this and that in fact only 5 copies were sold.

Aftermath
Gerald set the record for most lawsuits originating from a book, with 1135 1152 1201 1312 1574 1642 2000.

malnourished

is it just me or are my pets shrunken in size since i last saw them?

hmm hmm hmm...

do u still check this space?

wow!
its been so long since ive blogged that i forgot my username and password...=.= well, almost
teehee

finals are in two weeks..and what have i been doing?? going to malls and watching movies..basically slacking..argh wads wrong with me.. and i thought ahh, its ok ild redeem myself by reading abit on sunday night..har har har and im here blogging

and you noe how my mood of blogging has faded as of late..*ahem okok u do know perfectly thanks to the lonnnngg absence of posts and I KNOW you do know because of the stating-the-very-obvious remarks of "YOUR BLOG DIE LIAO LA"

and

" I THOUGHT U PROMISED TO BLOGG?"

and

"HOW COME YOU DONT BLOG ANYMORE HUH?"

awww how nice and wunnerful u frens are to care so much for my blog :D

yeap its time to revive it... all in the sake of avoiding work :)

today is family sunday in church..pretty awesome!! games etc theres even the hotdog eating competition, 5 contestant each round the fastest to down 3 hotdogs wins a starbucks voucher .. hehehe involved in handing out the prizes so all of us in charge did what we did best and what is that??? why, dragging poor unsuspecting passerbys to join the competition,shouted encouragement and laughed at them of course!..JUST KIDDING LA... we aint that mean..it was all good fun

alot happened but so lazy to type it all out..hehe typical jasmine

was in charge of the projector today in church 4 service.. 1st time handling it. b4 service while testing it out the poor thing wont on by the command of my remote control. was suppose to test changing the screen from computer to video ( if u dont understand this part its ok, neither do i noe how to explain..NOT tech savvy..all i noe is that thingy or this thingy :P) bottomline is suppose to press a button on the remote control at the projector from the back of the room not go up to it and press it manually like in class.. and you noe how remote controls (esp for projectors) just refuse to work sometimes..arghh ok fine MOST technology hates me mayb that explains it..
jabbing the poor controller with all my might and it wont work...and travis had to show off and did it in a flourish..

fine! just copy what he does..same posture same angle..(ok hes taller but i try to imitate him as closely as i can) still no effect

y travis can and i cant? mayb im too short and the signal thingies get lost among other ppls heads or smth'

'ur not even pointing the controller to the projector'he said

hehehe oops.

yay no problemo thru out the service

todays msg was good, game booth, everyhting went well thnk GOD!

went home with bernice, angel and bayu<---hope i spelt his name right..shared a cab and went home to zzzzz freakingly tired

all in all..happy! fun! contented!

bleh college tml killjoy, finals soon! killjoy

y do i must return to reality?

anna nalick -- breathe

i love love love this song..


2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to critisize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,
we're like cars on a cableand life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

In May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day," he said down to the flask in his fist,"
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
And here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. maybe I'll just sing about it.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out and
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

its been a long time..

since ive blogged



and now i have. thats it. goodbye.



haha just kidding



hmmm i actually have nothing important to say, blogging just for the sake of it and if you're still checking this space then u must be really bored :)



lets see, trials coming less than a month blah blah blah same old story..we wont go any deeper than that unless u want to hear wails of how my death would come about and my unpreparedness for it.





i seem to always have this problem



hmm last year in the midst of the spm panic 2 weeks before the real exams i told myself if i could get enough grades to scrape into ANY college, ild TURN OVER A NEW LEAF and NOT leave everything to the last minute..



argh back to square one!! how am i going to survive this oneeee????



WHY am i talking about this?? lets axe the topic



then again if u noe me well enough uld b immune to it by now :) but ild spare you.. tee hee im so nice JUST KIDDING.. i hear van, siaw hui, noel vomiting hahhahah yeah its ok! i noe sally will defend me !



erm right, sally? hhahah



we had carnival or wadever its called to raise funds for charity.. sold rootbeer float and waffles :) when khang heard that he said 'must be u punch ppl to force them to buy' haha fyi, i lost my punchiness in kl..rejoice van!!



1st thing dex said when he came online was 'i bought your waffle ah dun say me' ahahahah he's getting to noe me too welll..i must change strategy!!



was a fun fun day minus the bio quiz..



ok thats all i can say..omg i seriously lost the zest to blog! last time can talk so much..and now what have i reduced to?? oh no!!a withdrawn, less-than-10-words, passive girl!! what EVER shall i do?? hahhaha drama queen , im just kidding ler



i bet i bored u til you fell asleep on your keyboard and waking up the nxt morning to read this line. haha



well TOO BAD!! haha jk jk





:) y do i like to bully my readers i dont noe. oh yeah coz u noe me too well not to take it into offence :P



cinta pada kamu semua!! see u all this sept/end of this yr..whenever wherever



oi, road trip la.. :)
and this coming from the one who cant drive

for you

"These fancy things,
Will never come in between
You're part of my entity,
here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard,
Together we'll mend your heart
Because

When the sun shines,
we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'm a stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella"


thank you...

so its not dead...YET

after all the constant nagging, FINE i will blog.
im so lazy to update it so u can countdown to the day it dies :)
i dun care what tian says DIE is a perfectly good word to describe it ... if u prefer INACTIVE lo but it sounds so..urgh ..

ok EXAMS ARE COMING UP! arghhh i hate hate hate oops i mean, DISLIKE exams and im not prepared at allllllll bleh its spm all over again..

i cant wait till this is all over..